Have you ever been driven to so much despair that you just want to kill yourself? Just end it all and get away? I mean it's not like I can see much point to life anyway.. You just go through the motions of life and in a few years you drop dead. It's a bell curve. From birth to mid-life it's the positive growth portion of the gradient, and once you hit your 30s you're at the plateau already. Then it's downhill all the way. Until it ends in another ominous flatline at the bottom. End of Story. And what is the point of it all at the end of the whole thing? Nothing. All that buildup and then nothing. Maybe you'd be mourned by a few people. Or a lot of people if you did some stuff to make you famous/infamous in the course of those few years you were here on Earth. But those people who are mourning you are going to be meeting the same end as you in a few years too. So there's no point in it at all is there? Of course, people try to make it seem like life is not so pointless by pretending like this life is but one stage in the Great Journey. Or whatever. Theories abound- Life after death and yada yada. But no one really knows do they? For all you know you could just become dirt after you die. Which is what scientists are saying anyway.
So what's the point? I don't know. No one knows. You know, I've considered killing myself so many times. I'm not suicidal you know. At least not in those dramatic cutting wrists, jumping off buildings kind of ways. I've just thought about it in a logical way. Like one possible solution to my problems. Of course, I've never thought of myself as a stupid person. I'm not a masochist either. So, as the logical person that I am, what's my next step? Research. Yup. What's the point of Internet if you can't even find ways to kill yourself on it? Well, so I've searched for painless ways to die. And to my horror, all the commonly used cliches of dying all seem to bring excruciating pain. And the instant deaths all require weird chemicals that are inaccessible. Fantastic.So all those idiots who take pills or slit their wrists to escape their pain actually bring even more pain on themselves? Believing everything you watch in movies is a really bad thing.Reaallly Bad. As in you'd be alive and choking on your vomit as you slowly asphyxiate to death instead of the passing away quietly while sleeping peacefully bad.
Even then I've wondered, could I endure temporary but horrifying pain to bring about a more permanent release? Who knows? But what if I find out I can't endure it when it's too late, and I've cut my wrists already and am bleeding my veins out? By the way it's really hard to die from slitting your wrists, slitting your neck seems to be more effective since the blood there is at higher pressure. See what good use I've made of my Bio lessons? Anyway, that's one problem. But there's another one. What if all those people talking about life after death turned out to be right? There are any number of numerous situations I would be facing in that case.
I could be frying in hell for killing myself. Or stuck as a ghost. Unable to do anything except float around. What if I was reborn as a cockroach or something? Then I'd be cursing myself for having killed myself. Jumping from the frying pan straight into the fire. Have you smelled Baygon? It's a fate far worse than death to be smelling that thing for more than a few seconds.
Well after considering all those things, I still don't know. Is suicide a good option? Call me a coward. Call me an eternal optimist. I keep waiting for things to get better. Reminding myself that life is long and this is just a moment. Just a phase. A sucky, horrible phase. But phases pass. And what if I win a million dollars in the lottery tomorrow and I die today. I'd want to kill myself again if I came back as a ghost and saw that happening. The thing is, no one knows. What kind of day tomorrow brings .Whether it's going to be wonderful or miserable. So everyone just lives in hope. Hope that tomorrow will be one of the good days.
I've always been a fan of happy endings. Of course, so is everyone else, whether they want to admit it or not. And I realise that movies always have happy endings most of the time because it doesn't happen as often as we want it to in real life. And what would be the point of making all the movies about the harsh realities of life? It's like experiencing the things you want to forget all over again. It wouldn't be escapism then. But all this aside, happily ever afters in real life aren't impossible. Just less common than in reel life. What if I'm one of the lucky ones who get that, and I gave it up because I gave up half way?
Maybe I'm just scared of pain.But why can't I be both afraid of pain and an optimist? Let's just take it as me analyzing the problem in a logical way like the logical person that I am. One of the factors is pain. Another factor is the uncertainty. I could end up permanently damaged instead of dead. That would be worse.
Another factor is the possibility of a better solution appearing to me later. So after weighing the pros and cons. I'm just making a logical decision. Suicide is not the option. So let's think about other possible solutions next shall we?
For all those who were unfortunate enough to read this post- don't blame me for turning it into some sort of feel-goody sermon. It started out as some emo shit, and became some inspirational crap. It's all the same anyway. What can I say, I'm an eternal optimist.
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Tinselfannel was a girl, a fact which made her no different from half the world's population. She lived a relatively mundane existence, like the billions of mundane existences in the world, and was perfectly happy being a faceless, nameless member of the "public". Of course, it wasn't like she was abnormal or anything - she had lots of friends, she had decent grades most of the time, she wasn't starving - she was luckier than most of the people in the world. She wasn't an unhappy person because she had the ability to forget, and move on, and she didn't like to dwell on past events most of the time. She was liked by her friends because she was a good listener, always there to lend a shoulder to cry on, or a helping hand. Everyone thought that she would follow the course that had been set out for her - she would do the same thing that everyone around her was doing - study, get good grades, get into college, get a degree, get a job, get married.. the list would go on and on - a to-do list for every stage of her life. And Tinselfannel did nothing to dispel this notion. She herself never gave it much thought. Of course, she had dreams- wild,fanciful dreams- but she was content to live them out in her mind every night and then forget about them.
You see, Tinselfannel liked to read. And she had a vivid imagination. So there were many, many new things she wanted to try, and she was fascinated by the very different lives that other people around the globe had. Whenever she mentioned wishing to try something new to her parents, they were horrified, because her parents were regular,average people- who were content to live within the small sphere of society that they had encased themselves in- and they had no ambitions for their daughter beyond following in their footsteps. They didn't want different. They wanted her to be the same as everyone else they knew. So their every argument started with, " But no one else is doing that..", or " Everyone else is doing this, why can't you?". They didn't understand that Tinselfannel didn't want to be the same, she thought same was boring, and shallow, and superficial. She liked her friends, but she didn't want to be like them. She wanted to know the whys of every action and reaction of the people around her. She wasn't content, but she didn't have the guts to do something to change that.So she just flowed down the path of life, drifting along like a tree branch pushed along by the current.
But that was all about to change. Even Tinselfannel, who liked to be honest with herself about her reasons for her actions and her feelings, didn't realize this about herself. Deep inside, inside her mind, there was someone else. A darkness. A cold, emotionless, manipulative presence.
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If I could fall into the sky do you think time would pass me by? I could just float in limbo. Never aging. Never thinking. Just drifting in endless inky black space. No sounds. Nothing to penetrate the never-ending sameness of the darkness except the distant glow of stars. Maybe then I'd happier? After all, having no expectations will mean no disappointments won't it? Am I crazy? Or enlightened?
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